La crisis de la abuela 1

Elena Baeza Berruti.

EBB  6.Scan00021-¿Mamá, te has puesto el abrigo?
-Sí…ya tengo el abrigo…no me agobies, ¡qué estás siempre encima!
-¿Y el bastón?
-¡Y el bastón!
-¿Y la pistola de mentira?
-La llevo en el bolsillo.
-¿Y la media?
-¿Qué media? ¡Claro que llevo medias!…antes de San Isidro… ¡cómo quieres que no las lleve!
-No mamá, digo la de…
-Ah, sí…Sabes que me gusta salir de casa sin dejar nada por apagar, y las camas hechas… ¡Tonta esta niña! Dale al botón del ascensor.
-Mamá ten cuidado con la rampa que está mojada y no llevamos paraguas…
-¿Y para qué lo queremos? ¿Para enredarnos si resbalamos? ¡Sigue y no chistes! Vamos a lo que vamos y en paz…
Cruzaron la calle y antes del último paso Doña Rosa echó mano al bolsillo y cacheó que todo estuviera en orden dentro, las llaves, el carné de identidad, el de la tercera edad, el bonobús y el arma.
En la puerta del banco observaron que dentro había cinco personas: una cajera, una chica en la mesa de los clientes, la que normalmente te dice que tu tarjeta no funciona porque has hecho algo mal, cuando en realidad no han podido abastecer la cestilla de billetes del cajero…por lo de los mercados, la deuda soberana y la soberana crisis…de forma tan estúpidamente amable que cualquiera puede deducir que no tiene culpa, aunque sea lo quieran hacer creer, al menos del todo…si en la cuenta quedan…veinte euros…
El resto de personas (supusieron que el Director estaba tomando un café) eran clientes, es decir, bocados a los que colarles un recargo de treinta euros a la mínima que intentaran cobrar un recibo, cuando se supone que cobraba la gente en la antigüedad, o sea, a primeros de mes (pero esto es historia porque todo el mundo sabe que en la España moderna se cobra, si se cobra, a mediados tirando a últimos).
Susi, la hija de Doña Rosa se preparó para su inminente intervención de apoyo:
-¿Ya?
-Ya.
Tomó Susi el bastón de su madre en sus manos. Metió la mano en un bolsillo para extraer…la media que le pasó a Doña Rosa. Doña Rosa se puso la media…en la cabeza, de espaldas a la caja. Nadie se fijó en ellas, ni siquiera la cercana funcionaria de la mesa. Doña Rosa sacó la pistola y completando esta operación se volvieron discretamente y caminaron pian piano hacia su objetivo.
Doña Rosa llegada al mostrador apartó de un certero pisotón a la clienta que estaba retirando el poco efectivo que se pudo permitir, unos cincuenta euros, que quedaron en la repisa.
Con un movimiento ligero tomó el billete y lo introdujo en el bolsillo mientras se disculpaba formalmente…
-Perdone usted, pero es que ¡¡Esto es un atraco!!
Y en un segundo estaba blandiendo la pistola (una buena imitación de una tienda de antigüedades, debidamente inutilizada…) y de pronto la cajera recaló en ella, una especie de figura que apenas sobrepasaba por la clavícula el mostrador, pero que la estaba apuntando con un pistolón, algo así como un Colt que todo el mundo sabe que es el que usa Clint Easthood en sus películas.
Doña Rosa se puso seria mientras Susi controlaba la retaguardia, y gritó con todas las fuerzas que las ganas le proporcionaron:
-¡Qué niña! ¿No te has enterado? ¡Esto es un atraco! ¡Así que dame todo lo que tengas en la caja o a ésta que la he pisado la termino de acabar de un tiro!
La cajera, francamente, no salía de su asombro…pero como estaba programada para tomarse todo en serio, incluso a las personas bajitas, fue sacando del cajón unos cuantos fajos de billetes de cien mientras apretaba el botón de alarma que todo el mundo sabe que está en algún lugar a mano.
Como doña Rosa no era tonta sabía perfectamente (por las películas de detectives, vamos de malos y buenos, que veía en TV…) que la Poli, la Pasma, los Maderos, llegarían en siete u ocho minutos a lo sumo y no menos, aun estando en la zona del intercambiador, por la consabida maniobra que tenían que seguir: Llegar al coche, quitarse la porra, subir al coche, arrancarlo y además tenían que dar una vuelta entera para buscar el sentido de circulación que les dejara en el Banco… ¡Total!…para no dejarse el vehículo solo y porque además lleva Radio.
La cajera por eso mismo siguió soltando los billetes (no se fiaba de que aquello fuera broma…) y Susi fue guardándolos en los bolsillos en falso que cosió días atrás al forro de su chaquetón.
No hubo más diálogo, la clienta no movió un dedo ni protestó más, admirada casi del todo por el valor de la irreconocible dama de cierta edad que estaba consiguiendo en pocos minutos lo que ella no había podido hacer en ocho años de crisis.
Cuando la cajera (sin nombre, y mejor así) terminó de sacar billetes-se le terminaron antes de lo que hubiera querido- levantó tímidamente las manos a lo que Doña Rosa contestó con un frío y pétreo:
-¿Eso es todo?
-Sí.
-¿Y la caja fuerte? (esto lo preguntó para darse importancia porque calculó que había que salir por pies de inmediato…todo lo que se puede llamar “de inmediato” en una persona octogenaria…)
-¡Nena!, ¿ Lo tienes todo?
-Si, perfecto.
-¡Pues hala! …¡Vamos!
-Vamos.
-¡¡Que no se mueva nadie o le descerrajo tres tiros (por falta de munición que no quedara…) a bocajarro!! ¿Entendido?
La respuesta del personal mientras caminaban hacia atrás (Doña Rosa guiada por Susi) fue de estupor y prudencia…y nadie tuvo narices de mover… ¡ni el gesto!…
En eso que ya estaban en la puerta.
Susi la abrió empujando por donde la espalda pierde su casto nombre a la vez que como lazarillo tenía posadas sus manos en los hombros de su madre, ¡ya heroína!
Y fuera del dintel se dieron la vuelta y se desembarazaron de las medias (las de las cabezas).
Entonces llegaba la Policía a todo volumen, pero ellas ya habían girado la esquina y se habían metido en una tienda de informática a curiosear.
La gente en el banco no se quería mover porque esperaban a los agentes de modo que nadie se percató de por donde habían huido las ladronas Marny (que se habían deshecho del arma en un contenedor cercano).
La Policía preguntó donde estaba el problema y la cajera a ciencia cierta no supo describir que clase de fuerza de la naturaleza había sido la responsable. Solo alcanzó a explicar…
-Bueno, era bajita, con voz y ropas femeninas…La acompañaba una persona más joven…No les vimos las caras…pero reconocería sus voces quizá… (estaban cansadas de oírlas en la oficina…).
Poco más pudieron decir mientras Doña Rosa y Susi salían de la tienda y torcían para darse un paseíto y rodar la gran manzana entera.
-Mamá, ¿Estás bien?
-¿Cómo quieres que esté? ¡Perfectamente! Debe haber suficiente como para la leche de un año y ¡gulas, muchas gulas!
-Mamá, que con eso también hay para las de verdad ¡dicen que no son iguales!
-¡Pues claro que no son iguales! ¡Tu generación ya no sabe vivir!

(Continuará).

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